Atholi-le Vyaapaari

Reminders kept on popping up from his mobile, outlook, and some other online applications. It was his wife’s birthday in 2 days time. He is yet to finalize on a birthday gift.

But Bivish was sitting at home and surfing through different channels in his television, when he saw a jewellery advertisement by Mohanlal which prompted him to buy unique diamond jewellery set for his wife. But where will the money come from? Within in minutes another Mohanlal ad appeared, but this time for a gold loan company. By then, Bivish knew what exactly to do.

The next day, without thinking any further he went and took a gold loan and with that money he brought a diamond jewellery set for Manju on her birthday.

Manju was in tears when she saw the gift from her husband. Last time too she was in tears when she saw the gift that Bivish gave. But this time the difference was that it was “tears of joy”.

“I never thought you would give me such a priceless gift. Thank you soooooo much”

Hearing that, Bivish put a cap on his head and sat down slowly in a chair and uttered a few hindi dialogues – “Safaron ki zindagi jo kabhi nahi khatham ho jathi hai, par mera paisa sab khatham hua…” Manju didn’t understand the relevance but decided not to ask any further.

2 days went by. Bivish expected Manju to ask him about his gold chain. But nothing happened. So Bivish went ahead and told her about the incident.

Manju stared at him and then asked.

“Why did you do that...Why? Why? Why?”

“I wanted to ensure that you get the best gift in the whole world”

“Is this the best gift?”

“Hmm…well…actually...maybe...”

“You have a housing loan, car loan, personal loan …..How are you going to manage another one?”

“I need your help in repaying the loan” Bivish replied

“How”

“Your company provided low interest loans. Can you please apply for that? The gold loan is for 12% per annum while for the one in your office it is less than 3%, right. So we will save a lot of money which we can use for our next trip to Coorg”

“How sweet...so you have planned our next trip also is it, Bivish?”

“Yeah Manju. I plan things ahead of time”

“Sure Bivish, I will get the company loan quickly and get the money for you”

After a week, Bivish took the money repaid the gold loan and got his gold chain back.

On hearing this, I asked a question to Bivish.

“You brought a gift for your wife by taking a gold loan out of a gold chain that your wife gifted you. Then to repay the gold loan, you asked Manju to get another loan from her office, which she will have to repay from her salary. In effect who paid for the diamond jewellery set?”

He thought for some time and then said “Ashwin, do you want me to explain this or get on with the work?”

Obviously I didn’t want him to think too much on this.

Bivish-um Vinesh-um pinne randu Pashu-vum - Part 2

Bivish happily took the cows to his house and made adequate arrangements there to make the cows comfortable. He redesigned the car shed to a cow shed.

That night Bivish couldn’t sleep. He thought about the big farm house, new milk products factory and tried to devise a strategy to topple the Amul Company etc. Next day the milkman came and milked the cow and gave Bivish around 5 liters of milk. Bivish was surprised! Only this much??? Not possible. Vinesh doesn’t lie… (Actually he doesn’t….he doesn’t say the truth)

Bivish call up Vinesh and asks him what needs to be done.

“The main reason would be the geographical conditions in your area may not be suitable for the cow to give 50 liters of milk”

“What should I do now Vineshji…You are my only hope”

“Only solution that I see is you can bring the cow to my house and keep it there…”

“Oh thank you so much...”

“Wait Bivish...There’s more to it... I have to convince my wife about keeping it there so…

1. You need to provide around 5 liters of milk to me every day instead of rent

2. You have another revenue earning opportunity in this business. You can sell the cow dung to someone and get money off it. So everyday twice please ensure that you come and take the cow dung and sell it.

3. Make sure that the food for the cow is ready each day”.

Bivish thought for a while and agreed as he had no other option.

2 weeks passed. Bivish was a very upset person. Whatever milk the cow gives, he has to give it to Vinesh. Nobody is buying the cow dung. So in effect he is cleaning Vinesh’s cow shed daily!

Bivish tore off the agreement that he had with Vinesh and took his cows back to his house.

He didn’t know what exactly to do?

At that time he had a call from his wife Manju who told him that his US visa was getting ready.

He was overjoyed. But it did not last long. He looked at the eyes of his cows for the next five minutes. He understood that his cows were crying. Soon Bivish joined them and they all cried together.

Bivish sent a mail to Manju stating that he will not be able to make it as he had to look after the cows.

He told the news to the cows...They also seemed to be very happy and gave 2 extra liters of milk that day.

But soon Manju called Bivish once again and gave him an ultimatum – “Come to US by 26th of this month or else…I will come there on 27th…”

Bivish clearly understood the underlying meaning of that statement. He remembered an old Malayalam movie dialogue – “Santhustamaya kudumba jeevithathinu anusaranasheelam valare valare athyavashyamaanu”.

Now what will he do with the cows?

He had no choice. He again called up Vinesh.

“Hello Vinesh ji”

“Bivish, when u went from here I did not hear the “ji” word. You were using some other letters right”

“No no no….how can I say like that. If at all you felt that I said something, I am here to apologize”

“Ok…now what do you want”

“I am going to US”

“So?”

“I want you to meet you before I go and once again apologize in person. I am bringing your favorite dish meen aviyal”

“Ok come soon…Its already 1 O clock. I am hungry”

Bivish came to Vinesh’s house with the two cows.

“Moonu perum koodi engotta” – Vinesh asked sarcastically.

“Vinesh…need your help also. Please buy back the cows”

“No Bivish…I cannot…See the cows have lost weight and they don’t look happy at all”

“See Vinesh, they will be more than happy when you buy them back”

“But…hmmm...how may liters of milk does it give nowadays”

“50 liters ...that’s what you told me...”

“Things have changed a lot…now how much does it give?”

“Oh... like that... Nowadays it gives 35 liters”

“35 liters??? In one week, is it??? No negotiations.. I will take both for 30000/- . Do you agree?”

Bivish gives Vinesh a stern look and takes the money and hands over the rope…

On reaching home Bivish’s brother asks him “Why did you mix that liquid with the meen avail. Do you have any idea what that liquid was? The person who eats it will have “chorichil” (itching) throughout his life!!!”

Bivish just smiled back at him.

Bivish-um Vinesh-um pinne randu Pashu-vum - Part 1

“Loan, loans and more loans…That’s my life now...My investments are not yielding the desired results...I really don’t know what to do”.

“Don’t worry Bivish...This happens to everyone in their lives. Do you want me to help you out? I ate at least 10 Onam feasts more than you.” – says Vinesh.

Bivish looked at Vinesh for a while and agreed. Vinesh described how the world economy is changing rapidly these days…..Stock market crashes, World Bank loans, ADB loans, military coup in Egypt, recession, wiki leaks and its impact on the French revolution etc…

Bivish yawned and pathetically asked Vinesh – “What are you trying to tell me?”

See basically in India only agriculture sector was stable during all these days. So you need to invest there if you have the money.

“I really don’t have money for investment. When my salary comes each month, I share it with a few banks from where I took loans.”

“Don’t worry about that. Government has come up with a new loan scheme to help the agriculture sector. I will introduce you to a bank manager. Bivish goes with Vinesh to “Kannamoola GramaPanchayat Sahakarana (Cooperative) Bank”.

On seeing Vinesh the bank manger jumps from his seat and shouts..."Vinesh …no more loans for you..until you pay the last 6 months EMI… Security…security…who let him in???”

“No ...No… Mr. Pereira…Not for me...This is for my friend Bivish who wants an agricultural loan”

We have stopped all such loans...I am sorry...

Is there any loan other than house, vehicle, personal or gold which he can take??

Hmm…If he is your close friend then we can think of a loan for buying cow.

That’s brilliant…So Bivish…why don’t you take that loan?

Bivish was very much confused…He wanted help to come out of loans…now he is actually asked to take another loan…

No Vinesh.. I really don’t want that..

Bivish…You anyway will buy milk for your kid right? Milma is increasing the prices day by day and soon you will not be able to afford that.. Also you can have butter, cheese, fresh cream, ice cream, chocolate ice cream etc…

But I really don’t know much about cows and milk..

Leave that to me…I will explain to you what a cow means!

“Cows are the most common type of large domesticated ungulates. Cows are raised as livestock for meat, as dairy animals for milk and other dairy products, and as draft animals (oxen / bullocks) (pulling carts, plows and the like).”

Wait...Wait… I don’t want such a description. I know what a cow is and how it looks… But I don’t know which one to buy and what all features to look for when you buy one…

See you need to know how much liters of milk it gives…On an average it gives around 10 - 15 liters per day…

I would have liked to have one which gives at least 25 liters per day..

Mr Pereira...How much loan will he get?

Around 1 Lakh maximum.

Oh great… Bivish will take that.

Bivish I will give you 2 Holstein Friesian cows which gives 25 liters of milk for that 1 lakh...Aren’t you very happy?

A confused Bivish signs the required documents and takes the money and hands it over to Vinesh…

See Bivish you don’t have to look confused think about the money you are going to save and earn. Everyday 50 Liters of milk. Take 2 liters for your personal use and sell off the rest at Rs.25/liter and get 1200/- per day. Yearly you get 4.38 Lakhs. You pay off your loan and it is 3L profit for you in a year!!!

Bivish was clearly amazed by the numbers…"Wow…Vinesh you are an angel in disguise”!

Humble Ritu

Recently I was amazed to see a “Chinese New Year” wish on FB by one of my friends Ritu. I never knew that she went to China. She was with her better half for around 5 years in Singapore. But what’s the connection with China except for the “local” Chinese noodles that she had from the restaurants in Kerala? No idea. Did she relocate there?

Instantly I asked her that question?” You in China? Our Communist China???”.

Her reply was as follows - “No Ashwin. We Singaporeans also celebrate the Chinese New Year”

What humbleness!!! What modesty!!! Such a trait can be found only in her.

I remembered one such incident that happened a few years back. She was one of the first persons in our friends group to have a mobile phone way back in 2002. She took her dad's mobile phone when she went for the MBA project work at Kochi. One day while all of us were travelling back from Kochi to Trivandrum in a crowded train we still remember her talking over the phone on top of her voice

“Hello…Hello..”

“Uncle …can you hear me… kelkunnundo.... kelkunnundo..”

“Uncle….Ithu daddy alla….Ithu daddyude molannu…”

“Uncle….Daddyude molu trainil aanu…kelkunnilla…kelkunilla….”

Santhosh, Manoj, Kuttappan, Vinesh and I walked out of that compartment before she completed that conversation

Santhosh's Marriage Proclamation

I was cleaning up my mails last week when I found something quite interesting. It was my mail to our college group announcing Santhosh's marriage. Here it goes......

Oru nananja mazhakkalathu avan avante chetak start cheyyan nooki. (One rainy morning he tried to start his old chetak scooter) No chance man!!! Especially during rainy days...Athu start cheyarilla (It didnt start)…After a 45 min herculean effort it started and but the rain stopped. What coincidence!!!

His parents asked him to wear a raincoat as it may rain again but he refused as he wanted to show off his new shirt to a few "friends" in college.

But as soon as he passed the gates of the college the rains started again and obviously his chetak stopped. So he was pushing his so-called "two wheeler" to park it near our MBA dept. Just then he saw a girl coming in his opposite side with an umbrella. Santhosh expected her to share the umbrella with him so that he too doesn’t get wet . (See he doesn’t care about his scooter at that time!!!).

But just as she was near him Santhosh slipped and fell down (don’t ask me why…) with the scooter on top of him. The girl just looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or to help him. But unfortunately for Santhosh, 2 or 3 boys from Electronics dept came and helped him. Santhosh thanked the boys unwillingly and asked them politely to leave.

Once he saw that the boys have left, he asked the girl “Kuttikku enthegilum pattiyo?” The girl just ignored that comment and went away…

He did not see the girl for the next 1 week. After a week, when our entire friends group were having lunch at Lords restaurant  he saw her again with 2 of her friends. Seeing her order a Chicken Biryani, Santhosh too went to the waiter and asked him to change his order from Chicken Kothu Barotta to Chicken Biriyani. Kuttappan too was there trying to say some jokes he found at the internet. Ritu was the only person who was laughing at those PJ’s. Kamala was too busy looking at the chicken piece which Nitya & Manjusha had brought. No wonder both had a bad stomach upset the next day. But no one noticed the silent love story that started blossoming.

The very next day they met at the college library and again at college canteen (if you feel this is again coincidence then better meet your doctor…). Avide evideyo vechu avar hridayam kaimaari. (They exchanged their hearts somewhere there)

And after that Santhosh started humming love songs and poems. Remember he used to sing songs for the girls in our class!!! Pakshe manasinte ullil aavan paadiyathu avalku vendi aayirunnu…. Athode kavithakale snehikkunna kavitha santhoshinte swantham Kavitha aayi. Kaanamarayathu avale nooki avan punchirichu……(But deep in his heart he sang for that girl alone...and soon Kavitha came into his life..I cant translate that more)

He kept it as a secret for 8 long years. And since I brought the exclusive media coverage rights for the episode 5 years back, I am presenting it across to you.

In short, Santhosh is getting married.